"I think I'll go home now..."
I have always said that transitions are messy. Mine from growing up Presbyterian into WCG certainly were. Transitions between churches when pastoring were since old friends were left, new ones not yet found and it always cost more personally than a man was ever given credit or thanks for doing.. Those transitions from WCG were really messy. Emotions had to be dealt with and realities faced I never had to deal with before. Feet were stomped and mistakes were made. Relationships died, were found again and died again in the confusion of messy change. I have experienced the depression rooted in anger over the past which I felt I had no right to question or the price of doing so would have been to high. It was eventually very high. I have had that little bottle of medication that I could choose to open when when the anxiety got too great. I have held that saccharin size tablet on the end of my little finger asking it, "how can something so small as this do for me what I cannot, at this time, seem to do for myself? I have spent too many hours in the early morning , at times in a ball, just trying to breathe and tell myself it will be ok someday. There were brief, very brief moments when I had to remind myself that some solutions were very long term ones to very short term problems and serve no one well.
I always found this scene of Forrest Gump stopping his run from the reality of Jenny's death because enough grief and running from reality was enough. It is exhausting and sometimes it is just the right time to go home. I have personally embraced Buddhist thought which informs me that "all negativity is some form of non-acceptance," and "this too shall pass...". I am better at not clinging or grasping at things and ideas as if they never go away because everything goes away. Everything... In time, all the leaders, falsely so called, in the Churches of God will go away. Their organizations will go away. In time , we all go away. We knew that as kids reading booklets about how it all was, is and will be, but we didn't really get it. I now get it.
I have come to see, for me, the Bible has some inspirational content and reflects all the hopes, fears and experiences that humans can have. I don't care for its conclusions and I am not sure at all about it's promises, as if the writers really knew, but it is what it is. I don't fear the threats of the Bible towards those that don't believe it all because it says within itself that it is true because it says it is true. "Because I said so.." never really cuts it for me. But to me , it has become just a book. The Old Testament, after a decade of research and reading, to me, is an opinion of how it all is or was and generally not written by those we have come to believe wrote it. It is myth mixed with exaggerations and a story of a very small and cultic people giving themselves a very large pedigree. It is one perspective of many others not allowed. The New Testament, to me , is a book that draws from the old to tell its story. Four or five men , two thousand years ago, who think they got it all right is not good enough for me personally. It contains some authentic material and also forgeries which I know is difficult for the average person to wrap their head around. Just as some scorn me for taking a positive stance on evolution as opposed to the Genesis myth with "you weren't there were you?", so I tell those who think they know it all was so in the New Testament the same. To me, the New Testament is it's own replay of very old myths and agree or not, yet another Sun of God remake updated for a new Millennium or two. Religion is what humans come up with to explain the inexplicable things of the world in their own times. It is inexcusable to keep up faith in Bronze and Iron Age ideas when the facts of good science done well come to light. In my lifetime and I believe history bears this out, good science never had to admit that the Church was correct after all in it's views. The Church on the other hand has , over time, eaten a lot of crow over ignored reality brought to them by good research that stands on it's own merits. Many good people have suffered under church control for being a wee bit too far ahead of their time and a critical thinker. They never roasted a monk at the JPL Lab in Pasadena , but perhaps wanted to, I don't know.
I don't wish to be stuck in endless, and they are endless, observations, stories, tales and commentary about the Churches of God, splits, schisms, splinters and slivers because it will never end until it does end. In reality, let those who need it, keep it until they wake up or even if they don't. If by now one can be drawn to any of these mind closing , not well trained, pseudo theologians, as if they knew, then they probably deserve the experience they are going to have. Perhaps they need it to know themselves better down the road, experience their own messy transitions and pass Earth School with flying colors. The Flurry , Pack and Meredith types along with the bit part players in the saga have made fools enough of themselves to last a lifetime. Waiting with bated breath for the next round of foolishness is perhaps interesting and even entertaining, but it is still a form of stuck for me I believe.
I have written these few many years now to process my own experience and of course to endeavor being helpful to those who must be going through similar emotions and pain. I believe that process is coming to an end. Perhaps there can be a transition to having reached my personal "done with it" point where I can help still yet not be sucked back into it personally. Perhaps a more objective view can be at hand with yet another outlet for being of help. As long as one is going to have an experience, they may as well use it and share it if needed. I have done that, openly and as honestly as I know how. I did not hide behind anonymity and have been willing to share my own messy transition openly , warts and all. It is how I heal. It's how humans heal and it takes time.
I believe I have stopped running and am the quietly standing still in the road and turning around to speak my own truth of this moment in time.
I 'm pretty tired, think i'll go home now..."
Forrest Gump
May I suggest the longer version of "The Run" as it is a great metaphor for all our WCG and COG experiences and lessons learned. I think those who eyes to see and ears to hear will recognize themselves somewhere along that journey.