I seriously doubt the Holy Trinity ever imagined the sheer comedic goldmine they'd unleash when they greenlit "Crackpot Bob" as the end-times entertainer extraordinaire—tasked with bombarding us with his "prophecies," finger-wagging admonitions, and full-blown delusional rants during these allegedly perilous days. Face it: the Big Three upstairs probably just wanted some guaranteed laughs to spice up the 2000s, because who else could deliver this level of reliable, cringeworthy hilarity?
Here we are in 2026, marking the 40th anniversary of Herbert W. Armstrong's death (January 16, to be precise—happy milestone, folks!), and Crackpot Bob is still convinced he's the anointed heir apparent, bravely carrying the torch. The gut-busting punchline? Herbert himself would've yeeted Bob out the door quicker than a heretic at a heresy trial the second he sniffed affiliation with that glorious trainwreck of a splinter group founded by Raymond McNair and Rod Meredith after their dramatic apostasy from the "Mother Church." Talk about inheritance denial!
In his infinite (self-proclaimed) wisdom, Crackpot Bob remains utterly persuaded he's the most brilliant mind the Church of God has ever birthed—a crown he humbly bestowed upon himself, naturally. So he figured the fractured COG masses would instantly spot his radiant genius and desert their groups in droves to enlist in his epic legion of true believers. Reality check: Crickets. Instead, he's become the eternal piñata for ministers in United Church of God and Living Church of God, plus an endless parade of blogs, websites, Facebook groups, Substacks, TikToks, Reddit threads, and social media roasts that treat him like the gift that keeps on giving.
The poor guy's brain simply short-circuits at the idea that anyone could question his "divine dreams"—or that a few loyal fans supposedly dreamed about him too. That's his foolproof credential, apparently, to wow every COG member into submission. Spoiler alert: It backfired spectacularly, with pretty much everyone piling on the mockery. And let's not overlook his ridiculous fetish for hijacking Old Covenant prophet titles—he's the COG's own Sybil, churning out phony personas left and right to bamboozle the naive, stacking up self-appointed mantles like they're going out of style.
Year after year, Crackpot Bob triumphantly declares his "legitimacy" is cementing itself harder than ever, while the rest of us rubberneck this spectacular slow-motion car crash of pure, unfiltered nonsense. But does that slow him down? Nope! He's ringing in the New Year with his latest blockbuster: a list of "26 prophecies" (or "things to watch," whatever he's calling it this cycle) for 2026. And claiming the coveted #1 spot? Drumroll... people will mock him. Wow, bold prediction there, Nostradamus—finally nailing something 100% guaranteed, like death, taxes, and endless eye-rolls from the peanut gallery. If only he'd prophesy something risky, like "water is wet," we'd really be impressed!
Here are 26 things to watch in 2026 during this time, and prior to the start of the Great Tribulation. Notice how intentionally vague he is. Crackpot Bob never wants to be that one prophet who actually takes a stand with some prophecies. Instead, it's as vague and as utterly useless as a chocolate teapot is.
1. Scoffing in the Last Days2. Immorality Prophecies Being Fulfilled3. Media, Internet, and Other Censorship4. Weather Sorrows and Troubles5. Earthquakes and Volcanoes6. The White Horse of the Apocalypse7. Strife and the Red Horse of War8. Trade Issues9. European Trade Moves10. The Deal of Daniel 9:2711. Knowledge Increasing12. Debt13. US Dollar Dominance will Decrease14. Central Bank Digital Currencies (CBDCs) and 66615. Gold16. Unrest, Terror, and the Dividing of the USA 17. Europe Will Work to Reorganize18. Europe Will Have a Great Army and Many Ships19. Steps Towards the Formation of the King of the South20. The Time of the Gentiles will Lead to Armageddon21. Jews Readying to Sacrifice22. Inventors of evil things23. Unintended Consequences of the Trump-Vance Administration24. Totalitarian Steps25. Preparation for the Short Work26. Fulfillment of Matthew 24:14 and 28:19-20
In short: Same old doom porn laundry list, guaranteed to have something vaguely "come true" by cherry-picking, while the big ticket items (European army, major wars, etc.) get kicked down the road yet again. Truly groundbreaking stuff from the COG's most prolific dreamer. Can't wait for the 2027 edition where #1 remains eternally safe.